Thanksgiving come and gone.  Didn't do too bad.  I haven't gone for an official Weigh In since my stepmother passed away, but I am watching it on my scale at home and am doing ok.  I guess maintenance is ok under the circumstances.  I will get back into the routine next Saturday, go to a meeting, take my licks (if I have any coming) and get back in the business of getting rid of some more of this lard. 

I stuffed another turkey yesterday (two on thanksgiving, one yesterday).  I could go into business.  It came out pretty good.  We will have leftovers which is what its all about.  I will have to be very careful here because I can eat me some turkey sandwich!!  One of my favorites with cranberry sauce and "real" mayo.  and lots of salt.  I am gaining weight just thinking about it!!

Well, Thanksgiving has arrived.  Folks might think we don't have much to be thankful for this year, but we are immensely grateful for many, many things.  We lost people that we loved dearly, wonderful parents whose love was unconditional and always supportive.  But I am grateful that we had them to begin with.  While I am hurting over their loss, I can't imagine what life would have been like without them and, I know that the pain is the cost of loving like that.  Its ok.  

We had our traditional turkey stuffing party last night at my parents house.  It was kind of odd without them, but also comforting to do things we have always done as a family.  So two big turkeys went  into the ovens (double oven) around 6 am.  I am making mashed potatoes at my house and will take them over right before its time to eat.  I am also making some asparagus as we never seem to have enough greens on the table.  

I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.  Don't eat too much, but enjoy everything that you eat.  Take a moment to reflect on the things you are grateful for.  You can always find something!!

Holding my own

Good Morning!  Its Monday and I am off for the week.  I always take Mon thru Weds off on Thanksgiving week.  It is traditionally a family time and this year is no different.  We (my brother and sisters along with children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc) will celebrate one last Thanksgiving at my parents home. Then I will also make a turkey with all the fixings here at home so we have leftovers, cause lets face it, thats the only reason we have Thanksgiving anyway is cause we love the leftovers!!

I am doing ok with the weight, all things considered.  Saturday we had a memorial gathering at the parents house in honor of my Stepmom.  My sisters employer catered it for us and, of course, it had to be Mexican food.  And good Mexican food to boot!! Even eating a mazillion mini chimis (fried burritos) I haven't gained anything.  I just don't want to let it get out of hand.  I know that I am in control (or not!) and thats the one thing that is going to keep me on the straight and narrow.  If I do screw it up, I am only hurting me.

Well, What to Say?

Still here, still plugging along.  Weigh In today as up .6 in one week.  Not bad considering the crap I managed to consume this week.  Nachos?  Are you kidding me?  Not one serving, but two?  Puleeze!
And then work group Thanksgiving pot luck with turkey, dressing, potatoes, 3 different kinds of bread, etc, etc, etc.  I did not over eat, I did not get uncomfortable full, but I managed to try a little of everything.  And it was all quite good (I made the scalloped potatoes).   If I can maintain thru Thanksgiving, I will be ok.  We don't make a big Christmas dinner or anything, so not alot to worry about there.  I just have to pace myself.

One big problem is feeding my grief.  Food has always been a "friend", one that brings great solace in times of discomfort, emotional turmoil and stress.  At least I am aware of this and that gives me a little bit of an edge and allows me to, at the very least, question myself when I go to put something in my face.   If I really want something (nachos anyone?) I want to make sure I know why I am eating it.  Unconciously feeding my grief is not good.  Indulging myself because thats what I want at that moment is marginally more acceptable. The first I can get lost in, the second, I have some control over.

Losses and Gains

Well, we lost my wonderful stepmother Thursday morning.  Advanced lung cancer.  It took her quickly and now we must find a way to keep moving forward without our beacon.  We will do it, but it really sucks. 

Oddly, I am now the "matriarch" of the family.  I feel like an old elephant!  I thank God we are all old enough and well established enough in our own lives that we don't really need more than a symbolic leader. 

I also lost another lb. this week, at least on the house scale.  Only one weigh in today and its at 7:30 am.  Not gonna make it.  

Also on Thursday, I was notified I passed the U.S. Customs Brokers Examination and am now eligible to become a Licensed Customs Broker.  This was a grueling test, 80 questions and 4 hours to complete it.  Then wait 7 months to find out if I passed.  Kinda bitter sweet.

Another week has come and gone.  Weigh in was great!  -2 even.  I like it, I like it.  I did good all week, 2 little pieces of Halloween candy, no biggie!  And didn't really miss it.  I don't eat candy unless it's sitting right in front of me, so I just avoid that and its all good.

Still on the Mom care band wagon.  Rotating between her home and mine and lets not forget about the job.  My poor husband is always the one neglected. I know, he's a big boy, but it bothers me. I love him (despite the fact that he's generally a pain in the tukkus).  Went grocery shopping after WI.  I need to work on this plan.  I don't normally eat breakfast on Saturday because of WI, but man, if I am going to the grocery store, I am going to have to make a pit stop.  I buy everything in sight when I am that hungry.  I am still shopping OP, but too much of everything and not thinking about stuff spoiling, etc.  And when I get home, I am ravenous!!  Hubby grilled me a hamburger today (God, I love Arizona!) and it was a great filling lunch and not unreasonable in the points department with that 96% lean beef I have found.  Good Stuff Maynard.

Try this, mix a little sriracha sauce with your mayo (light or otherwise) for sandwiches and burgers.  Nice little kick.  

Losing Loved Ones

Today I post from my stepmoms computer.  Its 10:30 in the morning and she is sleeping.  I have spent the last two nights here as she can no longer be left alone. We are all just kind of waiting for the inevitable. 

My stepmom, Nancy (Mom), and my dad were childhood friends/sweethearts. Mom contracted polio when she was 15 years old and never walked again, paralyzed essentially from the waist down.  She and my father maintained a friendship throughout the years.  I remember going to her family's house when I was a small child and her coming to see my dad and my bio mom when she was in law school.  Yep, she was an attorney.  She has been in my life a very long time. 

After my parents divorced, through a series of twists and turns, we all wound up living with my dad.  My sister, just younger than I, got pregnant shortly after.  Nancy Mom had just purchased a house that was much too big for just her and had signed up with the county to take in unwed mothers.  My dad, of course, knew about this, and being a single male parent who's job kept him on the road alot, he asked Nancy to take her in.  In the course of my sisters pregnancy, my father would go to see her and take Nancy money and over the months, Dad and Nancy rekindled their relationship. 

My sister's child was born in December and was placed for adoption.  Within a few months, my father asked Nancy to marry him and she said yes.  In October of 1973, this wonderful, exceptionally intelligent woman, married this really messed up man with 5 wild kids.  We have all been madly in love ever since. 

My father passed away in April, 2 days before my birthday, and we have been losing Mom by the inch since.  Her strength and desire to go on fade daily.  It takes alot of effort to lift oneself bodily out of a wheelchair and into a bed using only your arms.  When you have lost what little strength you have and every breath is a chore, it becomes harder and harder to wake and face another day.  Another day without the one you loved all your life and your own health fading by the minute.

I have been here since Friday afternoon.  One of my sisters will be here shortly to let me get away for awhile.  I can't stop crying.  This year has been so God-awful!!

Weighty Issues

Entered Onederland today!! Woohoo. Just dipped a toe in, but I like the temperature of the water, so I think I will take the plunge. Loss of 1.8? (I don't have my book with me)to 198.8, but seriously, I am thrilled. I was looking at a graph of my progress and my goal, and it seems so doable. I am impressed.

12 hour day today

Too tired to blog!! On plan. That is all!

Working on the blog

Ok, so I decided to see if I can do a little housekeeping here.  Stay tuned.  Oh, btw, on plan today. Did good.

Eating At Work

God, I hate Monday!! I know, don't we all, but I seem to hate it with this visceral hate that I can't seem to figure out how to compare to anyone else's Monday. Like it does any good, they just keep coming and as someone so astutely pointed out, when Monday's stop, generally so does the rest of the week. Guess I should count my blessings.

Man, I really ate alot today. I didn't do bad on points, but I didn't eat really good food. I had too much in the morning. I am finding that I eat like there's no tomorrow at work. What's with that? I don't do that at home. Its not like I don't have shit to do!! Its like I watch the clock to see when its time to eat my next "whatever" even if I am not hungry. I am going to have to get a handle on this. The good thing is, I don't eat dinner, so I can get away with this for the most part, but not sure it's good mind set, and the goal here is health, mental as well as physical.

What I Cook When Dinner is Ruined

Next to Mexican Food, I love Chinese the best. I could eat Pork Egg Foo Yung until I popped.

Yesterday, around noon, I put on a pot of pinto beans that I planned to have for dinner. We love beans and corn bread (no cornbread for me, of course). The house smelled so good all afternoon while I slowly cooked them, adding a couple of pork ribs a couple of hours before they were to be done. When the approached the "almost there" stage, I took a little out of the bowl for final samples and BLECH!! They were horrible! Tough, with skins like leather. I don't know what the hell happened, but we were not eating those for dinner.

So I called for Chinese. Don't you know the closest place delivers? Pork Egg Foo Yung, Kung Pao Beef and House Fried Rice. Yum and Yum. I thought I was going to explode when I was through. It was like I hadn't eaten Chinese food (or any food for that matter) in a month. I ate like a horse.

Even when I wasn't eating to lose weight, I always hated to gorge. That uncomfortable fullness when one has eaten too much just doesn't do anything for me at all. I understood from a fairly early point in my life that I should eat for my stomach and not for my mouth. And last night's Chinese food orgy was strictly for the benefit of my mouth because my stomach was miserable.

On a brighter note, I had saved up quite a few points for dinner anyway because pinto beans are not exactly easy on the old points either. So I had 14 points going into dinner. And when I got up this morning and weighed myself (I don't normally weigh daily, but I needed to know what I had done to myself) I was down about 1 lb. Go figure.

So my lessons are: Chinese food is probably not a healthy choice for me because all concept of portion goes out the window. One should never try to eat 14 points in one sitting. None of this matters the next day!! Woo Hoo!!

I really want this week to be a good one. I have a doctors appt. on Friday for a follow up to a physical I had done in July. Our medical care is provided by Uncle Sam (hubby is retired Air Force) and they are really pains in the ass about weight. I want to impress the doctor with at least a 15 lb weight loss since I saw him last. I think he was skeptical that I would take if off. One way to get me to do anything is tell me I can't!

Weigh in today, down .8 for a total of 11.2. Still haven't broken that magic 200 yet, but next week, I am sure!! And as long as the scale is still showing downward movement, I am ok with that.

I was just doing some recipe searching and blog reading and it dawned on me, "Wow, girl, you are really serious about this"! And I am.

When I was taking care of my mom, I put every available minute into learning about caring for her, what to feed her, how to make her more comfortable, etc. I have never dedicated that much time to myself. It's time I give me some proper time and attention.

I started with the quitting smoking. Now that I have that out of the way, I can take care of the weight. And it's fun learning all of these new things and new foods and different ways of handling the issue. Research and discovery. I feel like a scientist! Now, that's a scary thought!!

Fiber is good for my digestive tract, not so good for the air quality around me!

Well, I had good intentions to post daily and yes, I know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe they should use that on some of the roads around here, bet wouldn't have so many potholes!

Actually, its all good. I have stayed on track without problem. I am weird in that I don't like dinner during the week. I don't want to cook it and I have no interest in eating. After a long day in the office, I want a beer and an hour or two to just relax. To add to this blissful picture, hubby feels the same way!

So I eat almost all of my points at breakfast and lunch. If I have a really good lunch, today was rotisserie pork loin, spaghetti squash and a bit of couscous, then I am usually still way full come dinner time. I do not eat at all after 5 pm.

So, I may or may not post until WI. I think I am going to use this more as a, God I hate the word crutch, but that's what it's purpose will be, to support me when I am flagging. Right now, I am doing pretty good.

Yum, Steak tonite!

How's this sound?

1 1/4 lbs very lean Skirt Steak

Marinade:
1/4 c Balsamic Vinegar
2 tbls Olive Oil
1 tbls Chopped Fresh Basil
1 1/2 tsps Dijon-Style Mustard (Do you have any Grey Poupon?)
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tsp sugar

Combine all the marinade ingrediants and add to a Ziploc bag. Add your steak and let it marinade overnite. Grill to medium rare perfection. 4 oz = 4 pts. With a baked potato and asparagus. I can die happy now.

Life Goes On

You know, I started of writing about my year of caring for my mom and this morning I was going to write about my relationship with my dad, but I don't think that's where I want this to go. In Life gets Teejus I start out by saying life has really sucked for the last 2 years, I was very serious. But in order to not dwell on it, I will just recap.

Mom died 01 Jan 2009

Dad died 06 April 2009

MIL died 06 Sep 2009

And, unfortunately, I don't think we are done burying the elders yet this year. My adored step mom is not doing so well and I have an 80 year old step dad.

My older brother committed suicide in November 2006.

My family has sort of an odd perspective on death. We don't do elaborate funerals, we'd be much more prone to throw a party. As my step mom says "If you don't love and respect me when I am alive, what good can come from standing at the edge of a grave weeping?"

So we let them go and we move on. My doctor is sure I am depressed. I guess I have every right to be, but I am not so sure. I weep easy, but I always have. I think that's just me. I laugh every day (I have some wonderful co-workers) and I have no wish to withdraw from the world nor do I see doom and gloom everywhere. I do wish everything would slow down a bit and let me catch my breath, but that's about it.

I am cognizant that Manic Depression affects my family and I believe that it contributed to my brothers death. I know what to watch for, as does my husband, and while I am sure he thinks I am crazy as a jaybird, it's not a true mental health issue for me.

The picture is an old cabin near the graveyard where my husbands parents are buried (yeah, they are not quite of the same persuasion as my family is. The wailing and gnashing of teeth is somewhat of a cultural tradition). The house is obviously hand hewn and very old. It just spoke to me on so many levels. Every time we drive by it, I feel an urge to stop and acknowledge it.

Ok, I have to stop. I am hurting so bad from laughing at Mr. Sh*t's blog. And I am not even current yet!

Anyway... WI today, woohoo!! Down 1.6 for a total of 10.4. I will take it. I didn't make a mini goal to break 200 lbs, but within 1 lb and I will enter onederland. I can't wait.

I just want to sleep!

For unknown reasons, I am sleep deprived. I wake up at the screwiest hours and once awake there is no going back to sleep. The doctor prescribed an anti depressant that acts like a sleeping pill to be taken "as needed". Well, how in the hell am I supposed to know if I am going to need it in 6 hours?

I work what is called a 9/80 work schedule. What that means is in a 2 week pay period, I work 44 hours the first week and 36 hours the second, which give me every other Friday off. Its very cool!!

Unfortunately, my husband does not work the same schedule and has to work every Friday.

Which leads us to the reason for todays vituperations. Damned man cannot get up in the morning without waking me up. So get this - he literally grunts and moans on his way to the crapper first thing, then he make all kinds of bathroom noises!! Shortly after that overture, the shower goes on.

Now, you are probably thinking, get over it and you are mostly likely right, but it doesn't end there. He has to come back into the bedroom and turn on a light to get dressed by! HE WEARS A STUPID UNIFORM. ITS THE SAME COLOR EVERY DAY. CAN'T REALLY MESS IT UP. WHY DO YOU NEED TO TURN ON A LIGHT?!

We have had this arguement so many times its stupid and he just doesn't seem to care which makes me even angrier. And then HE gets mad! Ok, now hear this, if someone is righteously pissed at you because you fucked up, you have no right to get mad because they are mad. That is inappropriate. Be contrite, be sad, be apologetic (or not), but damn it, don't be mad.

Pondering on childhood obesity

I was just thinking about being a fat kid and how did that happen? We grew up in semi rural Arizona. We played hard, I mean really hard, outside all day unless we were sick. I could climb the highest cottonwood tree in the neighborhood, I wrestled with my brothers, rode bikes through obstacle courses that we made up (and they were tough). We were always banged up, scraped up, cut, stitched, bruised and very, very happy kids. And we were always hungry!!

We always ate breakfast and that was a good thing. Mom made us breakfast, hot in the winter, cold cereal in the summer and it wasn't generally sugary crap. Sometimes it was pancakes or bacon and eggs.

Lunch was usually a sandwich, 3 cookies and a piece of fruit. We didn't eat school lunch very often because of the cost. And they weren't terribly nutritious either!!

We usually had some kind of snack when we got home from school to tide us over til dinner.

Dinner, wow, what can I say? It was generally fried in Crisco. What part of it? All of it!! It wasn't that my mom didn't want to make different things, it was that my dad was King of his castle and dinner would be to his liking, SO THERE!! And his liking was chicken fried steak, french fries with gravy and some horrid vegetable that came out of a can. I hate canned veggies to this day!! Let's not forget bread and butter was served with every dinner. Dinner was served promptly at 5 pm and you had better be there and you had better clean your plate. Hungry or not, like it or not, eat everything on your plate.

My dad never hesitated to tell any of us that we were fat. Maybe not bluntly like that, but the result was the same. At the same time, the King of His Castle insisted that we subsist on the most God awful diet in the world.

We were active enough that none of us should have ever had a weight problem. We not were not picky eaters for the most part, we were just not given good food choices when we sat down to the table. So all of those calories that I burned playing so hard every day were insufficient to counter the french fries with gravy that I was being served for dinner.

Parents, you are responsible for your childrens diets. Feed them all day long, just feed them good things, veggies, fruits, lean proteins. Encourage them to eat when they are hungry and do something other than eat if they are not hungry. Fat kids grow up to be fat adults.

Weigh In this morning. Back later